"So all of you who’ve been frustrated by your inability to give away more than $123,200 in each election cycle, your day of liberation has arrived."
Stop! Lemur time.
"No matter how you feel about the Second Amendment or gun control—leave that aside—there is a gun culture in sports … Here’s what I would say to anybody who anytime they hear the word ‘guns’ automatically goes off like, ‘Oh, they’re going to repeal the Second Amendment!’ Let’s make a bet, you and me: let’s say over the next five years, we’ll do a Google search, we’ll have an independent party monitor it—you keep track of how many good and constructive things are associated with athletes having a gun, and I’ll keep track of all the tragedies and criminality and folly, and let’s see who comes out ahead or behind."
Letterman, Siskel, and Ebert went door-to-door in New Jersey meeting people and doing random tasks, from cleaning rain gutters to shaving mustaches.
Well played, repmarktakano.
"I wish there was a way to know you were in the ‘good old days’ before you’ve actually left them."
— The Office
Here comes the sun, doo do do do…
Dear 10-Year-Old Self,
Before you ask me when you have your first kiss or if you’ll ever have a boyfriend, I need to tell you some more important stuff first. What’s more important than a first kiss, you ask? Plenty.
First of all, don’t let that kid in your class, Danny, who called you fat, make you self-consciously wear oversized sweatshirts for the next four years to hide your body. That kid is horrible and years from now he will be boring and bald and trying to get in touch with you to come to the set of the TV show you work on. No, you don’t work on Cheers. That show’s not on the air anymore. That would’ve been awesome, though.
Another thing: Say thank you, always. Gratitude is the closest thing to beauty manifested in an emotion. When you’re grateful, people are attracted to you.
Also: Make sure you appreciate Mom and Dad. Yes, they never seem to let you do anything now except read books. Once you turn 18 you’ll never get to live with them again, and you’ll live far away, and you will miss them so much it hurts.
Next: Learn forgiveness and bestow it generously.
Finally: Don’t let anyone give you any crap. Mastering a balance of these last two will take you a lifetime, so you had better get started now.